Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

I am all good here, 😂😉

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography