Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.