[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
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Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not