Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

Are we there yet?…

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.