Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

the zen of frog

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”