Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.