Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.