Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

When they try to steal your moment.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

My whole life was a lie.

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS