Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS