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[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Just me?
My time has come.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
happy mother’s day❤️
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*