Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

If you want my opinion ask my wife

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.