Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
reminder
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
#Caturday
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”