Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels