Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

🥲

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.