Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
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My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
You have been warned.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.