Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Too easy.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB