Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

Easy enough.

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.