Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
You Might Also Like
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.