Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
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Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
