Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
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That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect