Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
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HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.