Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.