Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
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Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.