Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
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Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
🤣😂🤣😂
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal