@WildeThingy

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

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@electrolemon

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

@TheMichaelRock

I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.

@PaulyPeligroso

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

@rebrafsim

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

@bondgirl_79

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

@notmythirdrodeo

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

@FeelingMervis

I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.

@FredTaming

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

@hell_homer

that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare