howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
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I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare