seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time