Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

Strange

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

Me trying to reach for my goals

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

Meow?

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.