Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

happy halloween

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil