James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
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fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
