JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
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Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.