A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?
me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no
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[at a bar]
ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.
FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.
SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Can’t wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say “Annoying, huh?”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.
I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.