@schnooozle

[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?

me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no

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@TheDweck

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]

ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.

@ArfMeasures

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

@katiefzack

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

@TheAlexNevil

Can’t wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say “Annoying, huh?”

@Dildotron

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

@EamonToPlease

My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?

@PickleRudd

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

@notalogin

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

@TheCamelToe_

I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.

I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.