What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
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I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.