James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
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…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Better luck next time champ
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse