Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

Ummm 😳

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

Cow it started Cow it’s going

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.