James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
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My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another