James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
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[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.