James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
You Might Also Like
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Otters see a butterfly.
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.