Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.