Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?