Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio