Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit