Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.