JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am