JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
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WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If you love someone, let them tweet.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Mountain Goat : )
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you