JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
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I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.