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I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.