Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.