Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

I don’t make the rules sorry

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.