Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

Saw your ex at the shops

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie