Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

*files a restraining order against reality*

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

If snakes were wide

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon