Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums