Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

Stop sending me this shit.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib