Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

I support this random dude and all his protests

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

Meow

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

That’s incredible! 👌

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch