Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing saves money like being antisocial

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern