Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

DOOO EEEET

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.