Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
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My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
my fav colour is also hitler
Blew out my flip flop…
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Message from the dog groomers
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.