Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid