[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
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This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
#SuperBowl
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow