Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

This is amazing.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.