Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocarrot sucks!

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

So creative 😂

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!