Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
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I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
This meal prepping shit easy
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.