Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
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All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.