Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
You Might Also Like
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.