Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

out-housing market appears to be strong

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

the last thing a carrot sees

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.