Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
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If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
#NoRestForTheWicked
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?