@WarrenHolstein

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

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@just1fool

Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@robin_991

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

@3sunzzz

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

@JJSummertime

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

@somelightcrying

Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now

@DanaSchwartzzz

BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

MISSING CAT??
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

@AnnaKendrick47

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

@Marlebean

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope