Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

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Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.


The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.


Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.


“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.


Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.


Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now


BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us


-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.


The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture


H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope