Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
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Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I cannot call her anything else now
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
We have a winner.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.