Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.