Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

absolutely not

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

can I use a minion as a tampon

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

step 6: release the wall snake

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years